Years of Dysfunctional Chaos
by Ai Tennshi
Summary: Oda's Mugiwara Family scenario in a collection of one-shots. Robin and Franky are the parents with five sons and a daughter, and Brook is the grandfather. Need I say anymore? AU.
1. Mr Mom

**Author's Note:** So, I was having a conversation with Nehszriah (she is an author here, she is amazing, you should read her stories) and we were talking about the One Piece crew as a family. And of course, it turned into a crack-fic in my mind. So Nehs-chan deserves half the credit for the inspiration of this.

The stories in this series will all be of the same timeline, but not in order. I do, in fact, have a second one written, but I'm currently debating whether or not it's worth posting here, since I killed a bunch of personal beliefs in writing it. On that note, enjoy!

_**Disclaimer:**__ I own nothing recognizable from One Piece. It all belongs to the wonderful, amazing Eiichiro Oda. I don't even own the family structure—Oda came up with that in the SBS._

**Years of Dysfunctional Chaos**

**Mr. Mom**

"Stop it, stop it, damn it!"

"Dear, please stop swearing in front of the children."

The man looked up from his attempts to simultaneously change the baby's diaper and supervise the other children's meal to glare at his wife. Said wife remained supremely unconcerned and did not even have the grace to look up from her book as she calmly turned the page.

"Father, did you read about the recent theories regarding Tutankhamen's reign? They say that Horemheb erased all the records of-"

Unfortuately, Franky Mugiwara could not continue to glare at his wife or even pay attention to what she was saying anymore, because that was when Zoro decided to show Luffy how to use his spoon as a catapult and Usopp and Luffy began showering Nami with bits of banana mush (from Luffy) and tomato sauce (from Usopp).

"Hey, guys, stop-"

But Sanji, aiming a spoon of meatball at Luffy, missed and hit Franky in the face. Zoro began to giggle hysterically at this, while an irate Nami wiped her face and proceeded to climb the table with a war cry to run at Luffy, who was on the other side. With a squeal of delight, Luffy took off at a dead run, never one to be daunted by the prospect of having to fall off his chair before he could do anything.

"Kids," Franky tried again, this time yelling and using his best I-am-very-very-angry-and-you'd-better-stop-that-this-instant voice, but no one seemed to hear him except the baby, who proceeded to scream and urinate. Given that Chopper's diapers were already open, this resulted in a little trickle of warm, faintly yellow liquid hitting the back of Franky's head. Hastily the man turned back to cover Chopper's privates with another diaper before anything more could happen. He hastily finished the task of changing the little boy's diapers, yelling threats at the children behind him even as he heard no response from the children. In fact, the thud accompanied by Luffy's scream of pain and Nami's angry growl were very distinct, followed by thuds and Luffy's cheering and Nami's screaming—obviously Zoro, the ever-protective elder brother, had come to the rescue—at which Sanji, rather attached to his sister, started howling obscenities at Zoro—_So _that's_ why I'm not supposed to swear,_ thought Franky, wondering where Sanji had picked up the sections of his vocabulary that even Franky never used—and Zoro yelled obscenities right back and there was much thudding and screaming until Usopp's shouts joined the fray, and Franky theorized that he'd been having fun using his spoon to catapult them all with tomato sauce all the while until it got into someone's face or something.

By the time he looked around, war was in full swing. While he knew _exactly_ how the situation had deteriorated this far, it was still daunting to look at. Zoro had a flailing Usopp caught in an armlock while Nami kicked him in the head from the back of the couch and Luffy screamed as Sanji kicked him in the stomach.

"Stop!" shouted Franky, leaving Chopper on the dresser that had been used as a changing table almost constantly for the past 5 years, and not even bothering to throw out the dirty diaper before he rushed to separate the children before someone was seriously injured. "ALL OF YOU, STOP RIGHT THIS MINUTE!"

The fray continued.

Franky marched in and pulled Luffy and Sanji apart by the collars. He then grabbed Zoro, Nami and Usopp all by the collars as well, thanking any deity that was listening for his arm strength as he carried them across the living room. But Sanji and Zoro, held in the same hand, had resumed their kicking and punching even as they hung from the scruffs of their necks, while in his other hand Nami was biting Luffy who was clinging to Usopp who was simultaneously trying to push Luffy off his arm and kick Nami in the shin to get her to stop digging her nails into his arm.

"TIME OUT!" Franky roared as he literarly tossed them into their room. "NOW!"

The impact of their little bodies on the floor seemed very effective in making the little children go quiet. They sat on the floor, suddenly docile, blinking up at him as though confused.

"You'd better think about what you've done!" Franky said, trying to sound authoritative and impressive. "We're all a family, and fighting like that is-"

"Daddy," said Nami suddenly.

"Quiet, young lady!" Franky snapped. "You'd better not think you can talk your way out of this, any of you, because-"

"But Daddy-"

But Usopp was silenced too by Franky's shouting. "Are you even listening to a _word_ I say? I said-"

"Mr. Franky, sir," said Grandpa Brook respectfully from his corner. "I am _very_ sorry to have to interrupt, but Chopper-"

"WHAT!?"

At the name of the baby, Franky spun around in alarm…to see that Chopper was practically falling off of the changing table.

"Chopper!" cried Franky, racing across the room and just managing to catch the baby before he fell. It was as he was breathing his sigh of relief that Franky noticed that the boy's arm was covered in something brown. "What the- Oh."

The dirty diaper had unrolled, and obviously Chopper had stuck his arm into it.

"And I just gave you your bath, too," Franky sighed as he wiped the arm off with a wet paper towel and finally threw away the dirty diaper.

It was then that he became aware that the sounds of war had recommenced in the children's room. Franky's eye began to twitch. Slowly, fighting the protesting voice in his head that was his pride as a man, he turned around to face his wife, who was still sitting in the easy chair beside her father's rocking chair, reading her book and looking supremely unconcerned.

"Robin, darling…" Franky started tentatively.

"Yes, dear?" she replied, not lifting her eyes from the book.

"I'm very sorry I called your effort into question. It's a much more difficult job to be a stay-at-home mom than to be a shipwright. Please help me?"

"If you insist," Robin replied, finally looking up at him with a sweet smile that Franky knew concealed triumph beneath. "Children," she called, not even standing or raising her voice. "Do be quiet, you're making things difficult for your father."

The children's room fell silent immediately, and Robin went back to her book.

"I'd do just FINE if she'd just tell me how she manages to _do_ that," Franky muttered under his breath as he headed into the kitchen to give Chopper another bath.

"Children," called Robin, "your father changed his mind. He doesn't care what you do."

In the children's room, battle recommenced immediately with a vengeance. Franky shrieked a curse and nearly broke the faucet starting the water for the baby's bath.

"Now, dear, what have I told you about swearing?" asked Robin mildly from the living room. Her words were accompanied by the sound of a page turning.

"Yes, dear," said Franky obediently—resignedly—wondering how he would break the children up this time.


	2. The Odd Pair

**Years of Dysfunctional Chaos**

**The Odd Pair**

No one in the community could ever quite figure out how the pair had wound up married at all, let alone to each other. It was to become quite a legend within the old ladies' knitting and quilting circles until the gossiping ladies died and no one was left who remembered the story from the beginning. As years passed, the focus of the gossip would switch from the couple to their children, and the oddness of the couple would be forgotten, so ordinary would their union seem.

But the way it had started had been far from ordinary. Robin Nico and Brook Nico had not even originally been from the community: Robin, in fact, had been thirteen years of age when Brook Nico had arrived at the little village, a traveling musician with nothing but an old fashioned walking stick—more for decoration than practicality, it seemed—a sack containing a meager amount of food and a quiet daughter. The village, of course, had had no use for musicians, but Brook and Robin were both good workers. It had been the house of the Nefertari family—the mayor at the time—that had opened their doors warmly to the homeless father and daughter in exchange for work.

Initially, it had been suggested that Robin would help out around the house while Brook would help out with the farm work in exchange for food and lodging as long as they stayed in the village. The pair had quietly accepted that one of them would work indoors and the other outdoors, and thoroughly surprised the village the next morning when it was the daughter who went out to work in the farm, and the father who cooked and cleaned. Initially, there were objections, but as each did good work in the place they had chosen, there seemed no cause and the objections grew silent.

Days passed, then weeks, then months, and eventually years, but Brook never showed any sign of leaving. To tentative questioning, he would respond that as he got to perform his music every night after dinner and they had all they needed, they had no reason to leave. Robin, it seemed, had always merely followed her father and did not care a whit where she was as long as there were books for her to read.

The Nefertari family had a son named Cobra, who was right around Robin's age. As all other young men in the village, Cobra worked in the farms and therefore side-by-side with Robin. It also turned out that the pair shared a deep passion for history, and they could spend hours debating the finer points of past events as they worked in the fields. This was the only time anyone ever saw Robin animated—or as animated as she ever was. Cobra and Robin developed a very close, if quiet, friendship, and it was the unspoken agreement of everyone that the two would be wed when they came of age. Even after Brook earned enough to build a house for himself and Robin and moved out of the Nefertari residence and Robin began working for Clover—the resident scholar—instead, Robin and Cobra could still be found sitting together in the village square at lunch time, debating heartily as they ate their sandwiches.

But when they reached the age of eighteen and the village was holding their breath in anticipation of a proposal, Cobra discovered young Titi, a quiet, reserved sixteen-year-old who had never really been one to gather much attention. But Cobra, upon seeing her one day in the market, discovered that she was beautiful, kind and intelligent, and instantly began channeling a great part of his energy into courting her. Six months later, he had wooed and wed his lady love, and the village was now holding their breath in anticipation of Robin's fury as a woman scorned.

They waited in vain. Either Robin was incredibly adept at hiding her emotions, or she was not at all affected by Cobra's marriage. She and Cobra still appeared to maintain their friendship, though Cobra's devotion to his wife was such that he had much less time to spare for friends.

Years continued to pass. Brook started a tradition of dancing parties in the village square every full moon. The village began to speculate that Robin would die an old maid.

It was old Amazon who was first to see. One day she came hobbling to the quilting circle half an hour late, and when the other ladies looked up at her crossly, she dismissed them easily by excitedly imparting the news. The quilting circle went wild that day. The ladies' hands moved more swiftly than ever as their tongues wagged even faster. When poor little Conis arrived to deliver a small parcel her grandmother had forgotten at home, she received an excited earful from the ladies. She ran home to her father excitedly and shared the news, though not quite certain what there was to be so excited about. Conis's father smiled and told her not to gossip, so Conis went to play with her friends and forgot all about it. Conis's father, on the other hand, shared the information casually with the shopkeeper at the market as he was buying carrots ten minutes later. Thus, by the time Robin returned having gathered Clover's data on wave frequency, the entire village knew and was watching her covertly.

If Robin noticed this, she said nothing.

The next day, there were more people on the docks, keen to see if the alleged scene from the day before would repeat itself. Indeed, it did. Robin arrived and sat herself by the shipyard with a notebook and pencil and began to take notes diligently. Shortly after, Franky Mugiwara arrived on the scene and resumed work on Amazon's late husband's boat.

The villagers waited in vain for ten minutes, and began to wonder if Amazon had just imagined it. Then Robin put down her pencil and sighed, and Franky looked up with a grin.

"Another hour of waiting?" he asked.

"Just forty-five minutes," Robin corrected in her usual unconcerned monotonous tone. "It takes me fifteen minutes to take notes."

"Of course," grinned Franky, setting down his tools and walking over to kneel behind Robin. The villagers held their breath, wondering what they were about to see.

In some ways, it was terribly disappointing that Franky's hands settled on Robin's shoulders—hardly a scandal—but in other ways it was quite shocking, for no one ever dared touch a hair on Robin's head. Not even Cobra had dared, citing that she seemed to have paranoia of being touched by anyone but her father.

Here, however, Robin sat calmly as Franky kneaded the muscles in her shoulders. He was back on his feet and resuming work on the boat five minutes later. "You looked tense," was all he offered in the way of explanation. _Was that a blush?_ the villagers wondered in surprise, for Franky was always very prideful and while he would cry dramatically at times, he was not wont to display more subtle emotions such as embarrassment.

Then they saw what had begun the whole rumor: Robin looked up at Franky and gave a genuine smile and a laugh. The old lady pretending to knit dropped her knitting. The man pretending to read a book ripped the page. The woman pretending to pace impatiently stumbled.

The next day, Franky appeared at the Nico residence at sunrise wearing his best clothing—including pants, and several neighbors couldn't resist staring out their windows at this—and proposed. It was the most awkward, stuttered proposal anyone had ever heard, yet Robin agreed. They were married before the priest with Brook as their witness the day after that, and for some reason that no one could understand, Brook decided to change his last name when Robin's changed to Mugiwara.

No one could ever figure out what had transpired between the pair to result in such a relationship. Questioning Robin had confirmed that they had only known one another for three days at the point that Franky had proposed—though, it being a small village, they had of course known _of_ each other before that—and this confused the villagers even more. Eventually, the general consensus came to be that Robin was the only woman around who could hope to keep up with Franky's energy in bed. This argument was made, cited, and supported by the fact that the couple had five children in quick succession, each born nine months after the last.

The first boy was named Zoro, a quiet baby who did not begin to display any personality whatsoever until the appearance of siblings, and the second was Sanji, always Momma's Little Boy and never consenting to being carried by his father—or, in fact, by any male. The third was a girl—to be the couple's only daughter—and was named Nami, the "angel" of the family (she would continue to be referred to as an "angel" by her family even after the village dubbed her a "devil"). The fourth was named Usopp and was an oddly ordinary-seeming little boy, appearing to have none of the temperamental oddities common to everyone else in the family (but when for the first four years of his life little of what he said would ever be factual, the illusion of his lack of eccentricity was quickly dispelled). The fifth was the happiest, cutest little baby ever seen by the village. While most of the siblings seemed immune to the persuasive aspects of his cuteness, it also could not be denied that each had a soft spot for him: Zoro was his protector, guarding his little brother against all the evils the world might or might not hold; Sanji seemed to hold him in esteem second only to Nami, for whom Sanji reserved most of his brotherly affection; if anyone could talk Nami out of something it would be Luffy (a fact which Robin quickly discovered and began to subtly exploit); Usopp would save his best stories for Luffy.

Two years later, the couple had a final child whom they named Chopper, and while Chopper was then technically the baby of the family and all adored him for it, the other siblings still maintained that soft spot for Luffy while simultaneously widening the ring of their friendship to include Chopper without a fuss.

And eventually, between Robin and Franky's serenenity in the roles of husband and wife and the strange, outlandish things that their offspring did, people eventually forgot how they had initially found it so strange that Franky and Robin should wed. In fact, by the time Nami was curious enough to ask people how her parents had met and fallen in love, people would be declaring that they had known all along that the village's trousers-hating shipwright and quiet bookworm were always meant to be.


	3. The Routine

_Author's Note: At last! I confess, this AU stumps me sometimes... But I rather like this story. Yes...I brought in Ace. I had to, because the canon is making me cry.  
_

**Years of Dysfunctional Chaos**

**The Routine  
**

The first aspect of the routine began when Nami was 5, on her first day in Kindergarten. A little boy whose name she couldn't remember stepped up to her and gave her a dandelion.

Now, Nami did not particularly like this boy. Nor did she particularly like dandelions. But the boy was stuttering and falling all over himself because of _her_, and Nami realized that this was rather like having a doting servant. So she smiled and accepted the weed. The boy's face went bright red, and Nami smiled wider.

Later, Nami covertly tossed the dandelion into a trash can. The little boy was at her beck and call all through the rest of Kindergarten.

The second aspect of the routine began when Nami was 6, and in the first grade classroom right beside Sanji's second grade classroom. It was a different little boy (though again, Nami did not know his name) who offered Nami a lily stolen from Amazon's back yard. Nami smiled and accepted the gift as before, and the boy stumbled all over himself trying to make up jokes to impress her. Nami found them all dull, but noticed that his devotion to her increased with every giggle; so she tittered mindlessly at the boy's horrible jokes.

The affair was, however, ended prematurely exactly five minutes after it began when Sanji came storming into the room from the classroom next door. With a quick look at the scene, Sanji determined that the boy was dull, unintelligent, and unattractive, and therefore unworthy of the attention of Sanji's little sister. Nami calmly sat in her seat as Sanji's shouts drove the little boy into a corner. She absently reflected that perhaps she should have defended him, but it seemed so pointless when she could not even remember his name.

The next day, Nami went to school intending to talk to the little boy and reinstate him as her slave. But he was not there when she arrived, and he still was not there when the teacher took attendance. Nami figured that he was absent, and put off her plans until the next day.

The little boy did not show up again for a week.

When he finally did appear, the mere sight of Nami sent him running in the other direction.

This was inconvenient, Nami reflected, but there were plenty of boys in the classroom.

The process repeated itself for the first months of first grade, until not one male in the classroom could look at Nami without flinching.

The six-year-old Nami sighed and figured that the whole gentle coercion thing simply was not for her. So she took to threatening the boys into doing as she wished. Apparently, this suited Sanji, for he stopped appearing to interfere with Nami's dealings.

However, the system became problematic when Nami turned 14 and started high school. There was a certain Ace Portgas in the twelfth grade that was the most perfect man she had ever seen—and every attempt she made to seduce him was thwarted by Sanji.

She tried waiting at Ace's locker. Sanji appeared and aimed a kick at Ace as he approached; Ace avoided the kick, shrugged, and apparently decided to forgo his locker. So Nami tried approaching Ace in the cafeteria during lunch; Sanji appeared and threatened Ace with some serious bodily harm if he dared touch Sanji's precious little sister.

Finally, at the end of the school day, Nami ambushed Sanji, stuffed him into his own locker, and then ran after Ace as he made to walk home.

"Look, Nami," said Ace with a sigh, and Nami's heart leaped to know that he knew her name. "I get that you like me. To be honest, I don't think you're that bad either. But if you're thinking about the whole dating thing...I'm not so big on that. It's not that you're not attractive—but I really don't want to spend my days and nights in paranoia of being ambushed by your brothers."

"But- but they're not all like that!" Nami protested. She pointed at Zoro as he ambled homeward (or what he probably thought was homeward—he was going the wrong way). "See? He's my eldest brother, and he doesn't care at all!"

"As true as that may be," said Ace with a shrug, "this is a small town. I know more boys who have suffered serious injuries at the hand of that one brother of yours than I'd like to count."

Nami deflated.

"It's great meeting you, Nami," said Ace, ruffling her hair much to Nami's horror. Then he turned and walked away.

That evening, Nami put on her high heels, stomped into the boys' bedroom, and proceeded to kick the life out of Sanji without a word.

Sanji, who had spent four hours in the locker until the janitor heard the banging and muffled yelling in the deserted school and let him out, did not seem to mind suffering physical abuse at the hands (or feet, as the case was) of his little sister; no one knew if the incident had any effect on Sanji's routine attempts to keep all male specimens away from his little sister.

Nami, on the other hand, frustrated that she had never even been _kissed_ while some of her friends were losing their virginity, formulated a solution to the problem.

The next day, she ambushed Ace Portgas and kissed the living daylights out of him—with tongue. While Ace stood there, slightly bewildered, Nami hissed, "You may think my brother frightening, but just wait till you see what you get for messing with _me_." Then she cried, at the top of her lungs, "He _kissed_ me! My _first kiss_, gone!" And she broke down in tragic sobs.

In under ten seconds, Sanji had arrived, more furious than anyone had ever seen him. Zoro took rather longer to appear, and looked rather less infuriated, but landed a few punches around Sanji's kicks before calmly walking away again.

Ace was hospitalized for a month. (And Sanji for twice that, but that detail tended to get overlooked by the townspeople.)

The boys' attitudes toward Nami quickly returned to docile, though perhaps they now stuttered in terror rather than adoration. As long as she had her colony of slaves, Nami did not particularly mind—she had now officially been kissed, and she had no interest in losing her virginity anytime soon anyway. She would travel the world one day, and snag a rich husband; for now, all she needed was slaves.

But whenever she felt a urge to be romantic and was discontent with the knowledge that there was no one in town to be romantic _with_, she would go out and buy a new pair of dangerous-looking but attractive shoes, put them on, storm into the boys' room and attack Sanji. It was just routine.

She was a member of the Mugiwara family, after all. Nothing she did could be too weird.


	4. Learning to Share

_Author's Note: So, I wrote another Ace-centric chapter. Yes, I'm messing with the status quo a bit, but it was fun.  
_

**Years of Dysfunctional Chaos**

**4: Learning to Share**

The worst part, Zoro felt, was the fact that he didn't even see it coming.

As the eldest of six, Zoro could safely say that he was prepared for almost anything that came his way. Sanji had helped him learn how to fight and argue with fists and sheer brute force; Chopper had helped him learn how to look after a delicate, fragile thing that could break at the drop of a hat but was nonetheless irritating as hell; Nami had helped him learn how to evade impending doom courtesy of a Devil with minimal negative impact upon himself; Usopp had helped him learn how to pretend to be listening when he really wasn't. He wasn't sure what Luffy had helped him learn, if not to expect the unexpected.

And so it was even more shocking to find that he had not seen it coming.

The first time that Luffy hadn't been jumping up and down at the school gate, bouncing up and down as he eagerly waited for his eldest brother to appear, Zoro hadn't thought anything of it. It was Luffy, after all: he'd probably gotten distracted by cotton candy, or something to that effect. Indeed, Luffy was a few hours late coming home that night, and was more chipper than usual—Zoro figured that that confirmed his suspicion. The second day that Zoro left school to find no one at the school gate, he wondered if cotton candy was really that good, and maybe he ought to try it sometime. On the fourth day, he came into sight of the gate and saw Luffy bouncing up and down—and leaving.

Zoro could have handled it if it had just been a matter of Luffy growing out of the desire to walk home with his big brother everyday. But it appeared that Luffy had adopted a new big brother.

Zoro was certain that he'd seen the guy somewhere before—ah, right, the guy Nami had been crushing on a few months ago. The guy that had had Sanji in the hospital for two months. He remembered that Nami had screamed in that obviously falsely horrified voice of hers, and he had been obligated to punch the guy a few times, simply because if he didn't then she was bound to hold it against him for all of eternity. He briefly wondered if he should have punched the guy for real, but quickly shook the idea from his head. Since when was he so...emotional? He prided himself for his calm, so calm he would be.

Unfortunately for Zoro, that became more and more difficult with every day that went by. Three days after his resolution to be calm, Luffy started talking about Ace—right, _that_ was the guy, Zoro thought absently—at the dinner table. Worse, Luffy could not stop talking about how "awesome" Ace was; when he said that there was no "awesome-er" person in the world, Zoro felt his eye twitch. When Usopp responded that he sounded like the most amazing person in the world and he wanted to meet him, Zoro felt his other eye twitch. When Robin suggested that they invite him over for Sunday dinner, Zoro blatantly scowled. At least, he comforted himself, Sanji was looking furious and Nami wasn't exactly looking happy either.

Then he decided that if he needed to comfort himself over something so trivial, then he was obviously not training enough. He upped his daily push-ups by 100, sit-ups by 150, and began waking up an hour earlier to train every morning.

When Sunday rolled around and Ace arrived for dinner, Zoro couldn't help but notice that even Sanji was drawn to the guy (his fury having vanished after attempting to attack Ace at the front door, only to have Nami intervene and explain that nothing had actually happened between her and Ace). Luffy, Usopp and Chopper were already hanging on to his every word religiously. When Nami began warming up to him as well, Zoro couldn't help feeling betrayed. He made a mental note to add another hundred push-ups and sit-ups to his daily quota.

Ace's visits started out weekly, and then became daily. Zoro learned to ignore his irritation. He was an orphan, after all—Mom and Dad just felt sorry for him. Luffy, Usopp and Chopper only asked Ace for help with homework and to play with them because he was a novelty. Nami only looked up to him because he looked good. Sanji only admired him because he could cook.

Then one Wednesday at supper, Robin said, "So, Ace, since you practically live here anyway—we'd like to adopt you. What do you think?"

Zoro blatantly gagged. "_What?_"

Ace hesitated, covertly glancing at Zoro. "Not that I don't appreciate the offer, or that I'm not tempted, but I think I'd just be in the way. You're already running a big household."

"Nonsense!" said Robin. "In fact, Franky built a new bedroom. He'll be finishing it up tomorrow, so you could move in anytime you like."

Zoro's mind went blank for a moment. _But that was supposed to be _my _room!_ He thought furiously. Throwing down his napkin, he stood left the room.

He went outside, to the tree where Luffy had always gone when he was little, and had needed to cry but hadn't wanted to let anyone know. It had been their little secret.

"Hey," said a quiet voice from behind him.

Zoro wheeled around at the voice that was definitely too low and too gentle to be Luffy's. _"You,_" said Zoro scathingly.

"Me," said Ace mildly.

"You brother-stealing, sister-robbing, family-thieving-" Then he caught himself, because it wasn't like him to get so worked up over something so trivial.

"I thought that might be the problem," said Ace with a sigh, sitting next to him. "Look, I'm not trying to steal your family. I know that room is yours. I'm not going to give Robin the okay knowing that you don't want me around."

Zoro grunted.

"I've never had a family. You know, it's kind of nice to pretend to have one, once in a while. But I'm not that, really."

"Really," said Zoro sarcastically. He couldn't help himself—well, he probably could have, but he didn't see why he should.

"I'm a novelty to your little brothers," said Ace, and Zoro may or may not have felt a small twinge of guilt knowing that he had thought just that. "As soon as the novelty wears off, they'll realize that they miss their _real_ big brother. I've known that much from the beginning."

Zoro didn't say anything.

Ace didn't either.

Zoro sighed. "Whatever. If I'm the second oldest, I have the right to be sour with the eldest. Don't expect me to fawn over you like the others." And he walked away.

Ace moved into his room that weekend.

On Saturday, the family busily made Ace at home (except Zoro, who was training and only helped out when someone yelled at him to do something).

On Sunday, the family was back to normal (except Zoro, who was training).

On Monday, Zoro was in the middle of his 556th sit-up before breakfast when he was distracted by a weight on his stomach. "What the- Luffy!"

Luffy scowled down at him. "You've been doing nothing but training for...for a long time. You're no fun anymore."

Zoro blinked.

Luffy grinned. "So we're playing tag! Tag, you're it!" And he leapt up and ran away giggling.

Chopper soon came outside, wakened by the noise and eager to join in. It was not long before Usopp joined, dragging a bed-headed Sanji behind him. Then Chopper, feeling sorry for his big sister, went up and cajoled her out of bed and into the game with nothing more than a few words and a cute smile (something that would have meant death to anyone else in the family).

By the time Robin called them all inside for breakfast (cooked by Franky, since Sanji had been indisposed), Ace was already at the table reading a book.

"You didn't play with us," said Chopper.

Ace smiled, looking up for his book. "I've got to take an exam to get into trade school—I haven't got the time to play around. Sorry, boys."

And he went back to his book.

"We're not exactly made of free time either," grunted Zoro moodily around a piece of toast.

"I'm sure," said Ace with an innocent smile.

"Are you implying that I'm _lying_?" snapped Zoro.

"Of course not," said Ace. "Just that you don't know how little time one has when actually looking toward education, or a career."

"Bastard!" muttered Zoro under his breath, flicking a piece of bacon across the table. Ace calmly deflected it with a spoon, and it fell into Nami's lap.

"You _imbiciles!_" screeched Nami. "Have you got _any_ idea what it'll take to get the grease stain out of this?"

"No," said Ace.

"Not that I care," said Zoro.

Nami tossed orange juice at both of them with a swing of the jug, unfortunately splattering Usopp and Chopper as well, as they were sitting between the pair.

Chopper giggled. Usopp winked at Luffy.

"_Food fight!_" the youngest three exclaimed simultaneously. And the room was filled with giggles, growls, swearing and screeching.

An hour later, Robin had made sure they all got through the shower and changed, and they left for school half an hour late.

That night, laying in bed, Zoro found himself surprised by how normal everything was. He fell asleep with a smile on his face. The next morning, he decided to forgo that extra hour he had added to his training schedule. (He did, however, keep the extra sit-ups and push-ups.)


	5. Baby Brother

**Years of Dysfunctional Chaos**

**5: Baby Brother**

There had been a time when Nami had been concerned about her own love life. She had been positive that the existence of two protective elder brothers and two clingy younger brothers was the worst situation she could be in.

If anyone—including Nami herself—had ever thought that Nami's dating life had been difficult due to her family's intervention, such thoughts were quickly dispelled in the winter of Chopper's second year in high school.

The incident began when Usopp arrived at the high school to surprise Chopper and walk him home. To Usopp's shock, he had found his baby brother in the shadows by the lockers, attached to a girl at the mouth—a girl whom Usopp had never seen before.

"What the _hell?_" demanded Usopp.

Chopper and the girl sprang apart guiltily. The girl shot Usopp a fearful look before turning and running, and Chopper glared. Usopp, off-balance and reeling, felt a twinge of guilt that was quickly usurped by the shock that he had just seen his baby brother _kissing _someone. They walked home together anyway, and the walk was silent and awkward. The tension in the air was palpable.

When they reached home, to Chopper's horror, Usopp did not keep his mouth shut for so much as a second. Perhaps Usopp had intended it to be an ice-breaker, but that could not have been further from any desirable action as far as Chopper was concerned.

Usopp's loud announcement, "Chopper was kissing a girl!" was greeted by a moment of stillness and silence in which Chopper wondered if he had ever seen his home go truly still and silent before. But before he could think any further, all hell broke loose.

"Great going, m'boy!" cheered Dad with a slap to Chopper's back.

"You'd better be using protection," growled Sanji moodily.

"Oh my _god_," gasped Nami. "My _baby brother?_" A pause. Then, "I'm so _old_."

"What color were her panties?" asked Grandpa, perfectly serious.

"Everyone hush," said Mom, and the voices lowered to incoherent whispers. "I'm trying to decide whether to ground him or cook a celebratory dinner."

"Hey!" whined Usopp. "No one cared half this much when _I_ kissed Kaya!"

"You took too long," snorted Sanji. "By the time you finally got around to it, we were just relieved that you hadn't accidentally gotten castrated at birth."

"Why's kissing always such a big deal?" sighed Luffy, and Chopper was suddenly terribly sorry he'd stolen Luffy's muffin on Monday.

"No clue," yawned Zoro. "It's a waste of time and energy, if you ask me." Chopper had to bite his tongue not to blurt out then and there about the bet about Kuina that had been running for the past five years.

But the ruckus in the room showed no signs of winding down, and neither Luffy nor Zoro was doing anything to stop it. The irritation mounted further and further, and by the time the outburst came, Chopper wouldn't have stopped it if he could.

"No one made a _tenth_ of this big of a deal when Vivi was caught half-naked with Kohza!" snapped Chopper, feeling his eyes fill with tears. He wasn't sure whether he was angry or ashamed. "No one cared at _all_ with Usopp or Ace, and Sanji goes around kissing most of the girls in the village without any of you making this much of a fuss! You even make _bets _about Zoro kissing. And still it's not okay when it's me? Come on, Ace is married, and Usopp is engaged!"

"Ace isn't married," said Luffy confused. Nami kicked him in the shin.

"I'm sorry, dear," said Mom, but her tone held an undercurrent of amusement.

"I hate you _all!_" sobbed Chopper, and ran outside before anyone could stop him.

There was a moment of silence as the family as one tried to overcome the shock of the baby's outburst.

Then Luffy turned to Zoro. "They have a bet? About you and who?"

"Mm," said Zoro, who was already asleep against the wall.

"What, am I the _only_ sane one left?" demanded Luffy, throwing up his hands and stomping after Chopper in a huff.

Zoro snored, and everyone else looked at each other.


End file.
